


Shiver like I used to

by shukagari



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, it's not super bad angst but it's angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 19:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8590348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shukagari/pseuds/shukagari
Summary: Iwaizumi comes out as gay, and it changes everything for Oikawa.-Iwaizumi tenses, then he leans back into his touch and Oikawa tries desperately not to smile at that.“Are we okay?” Oikawa asks into the silence, and he feels so stupid because his voice cracks.Iwaizumi nods his head, then looks up at him and his eyes are shining. “Yeah,” he says quietly, “we’re okay.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, a note - no homophobic language is used, the internalized homophobia is not super heavy (I think??) but it's the main conflict. This is mainly about Oikawa trying to come to terms with it in himself, he is not homophobic but he doesn't want himself to be attracted to boys and it's not because he thinks it's wrong, he's just scared of how everyone else will react - I hope I was able to do this well in my fic. It's also obviously about Iwaizumi and Oikawa's changing relationship at Iwaizumi's confession. 
> 
> Thank you so much, I hope you enjoy it :)

Oikawa arrives at school to whispers of ‘have you heard about the gay volleyball player?’ And he thinks 'fuck, fuck, _fuck_ ,’ as the smile he’d had on drips off his face, and he feels frozen in place. He feels like all of their eyes are on him, devouring every single inch, and his pulse pounds loud in his ears. And then he realises, when a girl steps forward and asks _him_ who it is that they’re not talking about him, and of course they’re not because he’s _not_ gay.

He feels weightless in his relief.

-

“Whose the gay volleyball player?” Oikawa whispers to Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi laughs and smiles over at him.

Oikawa raises his eyebrows, and Iwaizumi’s smile slips an increment, and he tilts his head to the side.

“Oh,” he says, sounding surprised. “You don’t know?”

“No,” Oikawa says slowly, “that’s why I asked.”

“Oh,” Iwaizumi says again, and lifts a hand to scratch through his hair. “It’s me, I’m the, you know.’ He gestures emphatically at himself, and then carefully watches Oikawa's face for a reaction.

The words lance through Oikawa, but he is careful not to let it show.

He doesn’t want Iwaizumi to know that the words he’d spoken so quietly have left him reeling.

Oikawa reaches out a careful hand, and claps him on the shoulder. “I’m happy for you,” he says, quiet in his sincerity, and stares at his pale fingers on Iwaizumi’s darker skin.

He tries not to feel anything at the sight of it, and he’s almost perfected it. His indifference. Because it has always been this way, and he’s had many years to build up an immunity to the feel of Iwaizumi’s skin beneath his fingertips.

He worries that today will be different though. Iwaizumi’s disclosure has cut through his carefully constructed mask, and he worries that it shows on his face.

He worries that this changes everything, and that from this point on everything will be different.

Iwaizumi just smiles though, squeezes the hand on his shoulder and says, “Thank you.”

-  
“Why are you so shy today?” Iwaizumi asks, an amused smile on his face. “Normally I can’t get you to shut up, but today you’re so quiet.” He grins wider, and Oikawa has to turn away just to keep himself from staring at it.

“It’s not because of you,” Oikawa says shortly, and then feels the guilty flush colouring his cheeks that always comes when he lies.

Iwaizumi reaches over, and holds his wrist. “I didn’t think it was,” he says, and Oikawa wishes they hadn’t gotten into the habit of these casual touches; he worries that Iwaizumi can feel the beat of his pulse, and that it will give him away.

Oikawa nods his head, and looks at the ground. “I know,” he says, “I’m sorry.”

Iwaizumi laughs, let’s his fingers slip down and squeezes his hand. 'There’s no reason for you to be sorry,” he says, and squeezes his hand again until Oikawa looks up with a furtive smile.

When they separate at Oikawa’s front gate, Oikawa watches Iwaizumi’s retreating figure and he thinks how can you…how can you admit it to yourself, let alone anyone else.

-

Oikawa doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay.

It’s just that he doesn’t want to be, he _can’t_ be, and therefore he isn’t.

-

Oikawa spends a restless night imagining what he would do if he was gay, and what his family’s reactions would be.

He thinks his mum would be fine with it, after a while to come to terms with it.

He’s not sure about his dad, but his dad doesn’t live with them anymore so he’s not sure if it matters.

His dad is a man’s man, he drinks and watches car races, and comes to all of his away games and Oikawa can’t imagine what his father would say if he was gay.

He thinks he’d maybe be okay with it, but only after a long time.

But he doesn’t know for sure, and therefore he could never take that risk.

-

Iwaizumi is waiting for him the next morning, leaning lazily against his garden gate.

Oikawa stares at his back through the window in secret for a very long moment. He watches the early mornings sun’s light shine on his face, and sees how Iwaizumi closes his eyes beneath it.

Iwaizumi turns to him when he finally opens the door, and a smile slowly spreads out across his lips.

Oikawa makes himself smile back as he tries desperately to ignore the heat rushing into his cheeks.

He hopes Iwaizumi doesn’t comment, and he doesn’t. He just stares at Oikawa a moment longer, his eyes drifting downwards and then he looks back up, meets his eyes, and says, “Hi.”

And Oikawa wonders, when his heart begins to race a little faster and his knees get a little weaker, if he’s ever had this reaction to the word _hi_ before.

-

Oikawa can’t keep his eyes off Iwaizumi. He keeps looking for the signs, and he wonders if they are on him too.

And sometimes he looks just for the sake of looking. If he was gay, he thinks he’d like Iwaizumi’s hands and he thinks about what it would be like to hold them.

Whenever Iwaizumi catches him at it he averts his gaze, and a little crease of confusion begins to form in Iwaizumi’s brow.

-  
“Are you okay?” Iwaizumi asks, when they are standing by his garden gate. There is worry etched deeply into his features.

Oikawa can’t meet his eyes when he lies and says, “I’m fine.” But he looks up afterwards with a practiced smile.

Iwaizumi stares at him, his eyes darting over his face, and then he sighs and looks away. “Okay.”

When they say goodbye, Iwaizumi reaches forward and squeezes his wrist. He gives him a look that Oikawa can't interpret, or doesn't want to, and then says, “I'll see you tomorrow.” And Oikawa wonders why his heart is pounding so hard as he watches Iwaizumi leave.

-

Oikawa spends the late hours of the night looking at his wrist, and brushing a finger over where Iwaizumi had touched him.

He wonders what it would be like to tug Iwaizumi forward by the wrist and kiss him. At first it makes him blush, and then the thought terrifies him and he quickly shakes it out of his head.

He pushes his face into his pillow, and tries to get some sleep.

He brings his wrist back up to his face half an hour later, and traces over it again.

-

“You know I’m okay with you being gay,” Oikawa says when they are on their way to school in the morning. He isn’t looking at Iwaizumi’s face, he’s staring at his hair and watching as it shines in the sunlight.

Iwaizumi runs his hand through it, mussing it, and that little confused crease is back between his brows again. “I know you are.”

Oikawa finally looks at him, and he smiles. “I’m glad.”

-

They are on their way home when Iwaizumi stops him, pulling him to a close beneath a flickering street light.

Oikawa stands perfectly still, and stares at his downcast eyes. “Are you okay?” He asks, and moves to touch Iwaizumi’s shoulder.

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says, and his voice is ragged. When their eyes meet Oikawa feels his heart pummelling against his ribcage, but he can’t look away.

Iwaizumi reaches forward and touches his cheek, and his palm is so warm and gentle, and Oikawa closes his eyes and melts into it for barely a second before he remembers himself, and wrenches away.

“I’m not gay,” he says; he clenches his hands into fists to hide that they’re trembling.

Iwaizumi nods his head, swallowing loudly. “I know, I’m sorry.”

Oikawa looks over his face, his eyes wide, and then he grabs the strap of his bag tightly, and steps away. “It’s okay,” he says, and tries to laugh. He wonders if it sounds as hollow as he feels.

Iwaizumi just silently nods his head, and won’t meet his eyes.

Oikawa stands there for a moment longer, stares down at Iwaizumi’s bowed head. He feels nervous, and out of sorts, and he needs to get away, so he does. He turns, and walks away.

-

Oikawa approaches Iwaizumi in stilted footsteps after volleyball practice.

The locker room is empty now and Iwaizumi is sitting on one of the benches and he still won’t look at him.

Oikawa reaches out a hand towards him, and puts it on his back. He’s sweaty, his shirt clings to him and he’s so incredibly warm.

Iwaizumi tenses, then he leans back into his touch and Oikawa tries desperately not to smile at that.

“Are we okay?” Oikawa asks into the silence, and he feels so stupid because his voice cracks.

Iwaizumi nods his head, then looks up at him and his eyes are shining. “Yeah,” he says quietly, “we’re okay.”

-

Iwaizumi touches his hand, a barely there brush of his fingers that has Oikawa's heart skittering, and tells him to stop. “I want to take you somewhere,” he says, and wraps his fingers around his wrist.

Oikawa knows he would follow even without his guiding hand.

-

“The woods?” Oikawa says, looking up at the towering dark trees around and above them. Their boughs stretch up into the midnight blue, starry sky.

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi says, his hand is still on Oikawa’s wrist and Oikawa wonders if he has forgotten about it.

Oikawa doesn’t think to remind him.

“We used to come here a load when we were kids,” Oikawa comments, and a flood of warm summer days fills his head from a time when everything was easier.

“Yeah,’ Iwaizumi says, he’s smiling and Oikawa wonders if he’s thinking about those days too. “I always liked coming here, it felt like our secret and I liked having that with you.”

Oikawa can’t dredge up a smile, but he feels warmed by this. By Iwaizumi at his side, and that is enough.

-

Iwaizumi balances carefully across a fallen tree trunk, his arms extended out at his side and then he runs over the last few steps and jumps off. He turns, and grins at Oikawa. “You coming?”

When Oikawa doesn’t move, Iwaizumi comes back over after a confused moment and holds out his hand, the smile still on his face.

Oikawa stares at it for a few beats, before he takes it and holds on tight.

-

They’re hidden away by the shroud of dark trees, and Oikawa can’t take his eyes off Iwaizumi's lips, and he feels so damn terrified by it all. And so scared by how much he wants to kiss him. He really, really wants to reach across the distance and just _touch_ him.

Oikawa looks up, and sees that Iwaizumi’s gaze is focused somewhere at his chin. They meet eyes, and Oikawa swallows heavily.

He looks back down at Iwaizumi’s lips.

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says, his eyes wide and he lets out one sharp exhale just before their lips touch.

Their lips brush, Oikawa pulls back and looks at his face. Iwaizumi watches him from beneath hooded eyes and Oikawa rushes forward to kiss him again; staying for longer this time, and Iwaizumi hooks an arm around his neck and opens his mouth.

It is warm and wet, and Iwaizumi’s lips are so soft and Oikawa doesn’t think he’s ever felt more alive.

He is trembling all over when they pull apart, and he’s pretty certain there are tears on his cheeks.

Iwaizumi pulls him into his arms, tucks his face into his chest so Oikawa can hear his rapidly beating heart and presses kisses into his hair, murmuring, “it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay,” over and over.

Oikawa closes his eyes, and wishes that it was true.

-

When Oikawa goes to school the next day he wonders if they can all tell that he kissed a boy.

When Oikawa sits down for tea with his mum he wonders if she can tell that he kissed Iwaizumi and that he _liked_ it.

When he looks at Iwaizumi, he hopes that he knows. He hopes that he knows how much he liked it without having to say it.

And when Iwaizumi reaches for him when they are hidden away in the trees, his fingertips gently trace his face just before they kiss again, and he thinks that Iwaizumi understands.

-

“What are you?” Iwaizumi asks, as they sit together on a fallen log, surrounded by the trees. It rained the night before, and the wood is damp and Oikawa can feel it soaking into his jeans.

“What do you mean?” Oikawa asks quietly, his hands folded tightly together in his lap. He thinks he knows what Iwaizumi means, but he hopes that he is wrong.

Iwaizumi clears his throat, and they sit quietly together under a heavy silence.

“Are you gay?” He asks finally, and awkwardly scuffs his shoes through the deluge of leaves and rotten bark at their feet.

Oikawa’s heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest. “I don’t know,” he says. He lets that sit there for a moment in the following silence, until it feels like too much of a confession and he _can’t_ breathe so he backtracks. “I don’t know,” he says again, “I’m pretty certain I’m straight.”

And he says this even though his lips are still burning from Iwaizumi’s last kiss, and he can’t stop thinking about how much he wants to kiss him again.

Iwaizumi makes a sound, and it sounds like a derisive, _broken_ laugh but Oikawa isn’t sure.

He doesn’t say anything more, and neither does Oikawa.

-

Oikawa presses Iwaizumi up against a tree, and the heat of his body reaches him through his clothes.

He holds Iwaizumi’s cheeks so carefully in his hands, and he shivers when Iwaizumi tilts his head to kiss his palm.

His lips are so warm, and his body is so hot and inviting, and Oikawa finds himself leaning forwards and sinking into him.

Iwaizumi’s hand comes up into his hair as they kiss, and holds him there.

-

Oikawa sits in the stiff-backed chair of the school, and carefully pencils in his work, his tongue sticking out in concentration.

He looks up, and finds Iwaizumi watching him and Oikawa can’t hold back his smile.

Iwaizumi smiles back, his cheeks tinted pink, and looks away.

-

Oikawa thinks, as he lays in bed at night, and thinks back over the curve of Iwaizumi’s smile, that it wouldn’t be so bad if people knew about what they are when they are together in the woods.

He falls asleep content.

In the light of a new day, and with the sound of his mum rising in the next room he thinks that he never wants anyone to find out.

-

“I don’t think I’d mind if I was gay,” Oikawa says, and Iwaizumi’s hand grows heavy in his own. “I just wouldn’t want other people to know, if I was gay, that is.”

He looks at Iwaizumi now, his eyes wet. “I’m scared of what they’ll think.”

Iwaizumi nods sharply, puts his arms around him, holding on tightly and kisses the side of his head.

-

“Our secret,” Oikawa whispers, his lips brushing against Iwaizumi’s. “No one will know.”

Iwaizumi nods, his eyes already closed, and he groans, his hand tightening in the back of Oikawa’s shirt when Oikawa leans forward the rest of the way and kisses him.

-

Oikawa watches Iwaizumi all the time. He does it unthinkingly, his eyes tracking his movements until he walks out of sight. And it’s always been this way, but he’s just recently begun to understand why.

And sometimes he notices, when Iwaizumi thinks no one is looking, how sad and lonely he looks.

-

Oikawa pulls away from a kiss, and wipes at his mouth. “God,” he gasps, “what am I doing?”

He looks at Iwaizumi, with wide, terrified eyes.

Iwaizumi reaches out for him, and he backs away, shaking his head before he turns and flees.

-

Iwaizumi presses him down into the dew-wet grass, and Oikawa smiles against his mouth.

One of his hands is on Iwaizumi’s shoulder, and the other slips down the curve of his spine to his waistband. Oikawa hesitates for barely a second, before his hand slips lower and squeezes his ass.

Iwaizumi pulls back with a laugh, and his face is glowing with happiness. “Don’t do that!”

He moves and holds Oikawa’s hands at the wrist above his head; Oikawa raises an eyebrow and Iwaizumi laughs again, leaning back down to kiss him.

-

The street light shines down on them like a spotlight, and when Iwaizumi reaches for his hand, Oikawa pulls away with a flinch. 

-

“I don’t mind it being like this,” Iwaizumi says, ripping away the comfortable silence they had created. “God knows I like you too much to care about however you want me.” He laughs, and it's that broken, derisive one again that Oikawa doesn't like. “I couldn't care less as long as you want me.”

Oikawa bites his lip, and buries his head deeper in his hands.

He feels Iwaizumi’s fingertips brush the back of his neck, and he closes his eyes.

He hears Iwaizumi draw in a breath to speak, and the comfort of his touch withdraws from his neck.

“I don’t mind how it is, because you know, it _is_ ,” Iwaizumi continues, he pulls a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. “But when we’re together here, in the woods, I don’t want you to keep pulling away and telling me you don’t like it.”

Oikawa’s body tenses, and then he sags over, deflated. “I don’t like it.”

Iwaizumi is still for a very long moment, then he nods his head and looks up. “Okay,” he says, “then I won’t do this anymore. You don’t like it, and I can’t-” He breaks off, and looks away into the distance; his eyes follow a bird, drifting just above the trees.

When Oikawa raises his head he can see that he is trembling with the force of trying to hold back his tears, and he wants nothing more than to reach out to him and hold him tightly in his arms.

Oikawa wants to yell at him to look at him, but he doesn’t feel like he has the right.

He wants to yell that of course he wants to, why _wouldn’t_ he want to? But he can’t and that’s the difference.

He wants to say “don’t go,” when Iwaizumi turns away, but he can’t, and he doesn’t - so he just let’s him go.

-

Oikawa still watches Iwaizumi, and he looks sadder and lonelier more often than not. But he still looks just as lovely as he did in the moment when Oikawa had watched his eyelids slowly blinking open after a long, and languorous kiss amongst the trees and beneath the stars.

He still looks just as lovely as he always has, and Oikawa wants him so so much. But instead he tears his eyes away and tries to forget.

Sometimes, he’s sure he feels Iwaizumi’s eyes on him too.

-

He stays up late one night, imagining his mother’s face if he told her he liked a boy.

He can’t imagine anything beyond a blank expression, he doesn’t know what would come after, once it had sunk in.

He’s not sure if he ever wants to find out.

-

Iwaizumi doesn’t wait for him at his garden gate on the mornings, and he’s gone by the time Oikawa is finished changing in the evening.

Oikawa walks about in a trance, and he goes to the woods one night out of habit. He stares up at the stars, alone, and he feels so wholly insignificant.

-

He tries to tell his mum, the words, “I like a boy,” sit heavily on his tongue.

But when his mum’s eyes meet his across the dinner table, he swallows them back down along with his courage and looks away.

-

Oikawa dreams of the gentleness of Iwaizumi’s kiss, the safety of his arms and the warmth of his smile.

He wakes up feeling as if he’s been set adrift.

-

“I like someone,” he says to his mum at breakfast.

His mother doesn’t look up from her newspaper when she says, “What's her name?”

“They’re called, er erm,” he stutters, his palm is tight and sweaty around his spoon. “Well, he’s-” he stops breathing, and then darts his eyes to her face.

She simply looks up, and smiles. “Sorry,” she says, “who is he?”

Oikawa bites his lip, and he turns away to hide the tears in his eyes.

His mother continues to smile, but it’s soft with understanding, and she reaches across the table to take his hand in her own.

“I love you,” she says, squeezing his hand in hers, “I always will.”

The words that he wants to say back are caught around the lump in his throat. He only manages to nods his head and squeezes her hand back.

-

Iwaizumi walks past Oikawa with only a brief glance in his direction, before looking straight ahead again.

Oikawa, who’d been waiting for his arrival doesn’t notice, and races to catch up.

He grabs ahold of Iwaizumi’s shirt, and he turns to look at him, his expression closed off and Oikawa falters.

“Are you okay?” He asks, his fingers still bunched in Iwaizumi’s black shirt.

Iwaizumi glances down at them, Oikawa let’s go and he breathes out a heavy exhale. “I’m fine, Oikawa,” he says, and pulls a hand through his hair. “What do you want?”

“I told my mum,” he says, and he can’t keep the wide, happy smile off his face. “She was cool with it.”

Iwaizumi smile is smaller, but he carefully reaches out and touches his arm. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” he says quietly, and he looks down at the spot where Iwaizumi’s fingers had touched him. It feels warmer than all of the rest of him, as if his imprint is burned there.

Iwaizumi stares at him, then he nods his head once, and turns away.

Oikawa opens his mouth several times to say something, but instead he just watches him go, and the smile slowly dims on his face.

-

Oikawa stares at his phone, tightly clutched in his hand, and reads the text again.

'Your mum told me. I’m proud of you son, and nothing could ever stop me from being proud of you. I love you.’

He fingers scrunch in his bed sheets, he wipes a hand under his eyes and then he reads it again.

-

“Why did you tell dad?” He asks his mum at the dinner table, pushing his food around his plate as he avoids her eyes. He doesn't want to be any more difficult than he feels he already has been, but he wants to know. 

His mum lowers her fork back down to her plate. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know,” he says, and he’s not sure if he’s lying. “I just want to know why you told him.”

“I just thought you wouldn’t tell him, and I knew he’d be fine with it and I wanted you to know that,” she says. “I didn't want you to be scared all the time about him finding out, and about what his reaction would be.”

Oikawa stares down at his plate. “It wasn’t yours to tell.”

She nods her head. “I know, I’m sorry. I should have realised that.”

“I’m sorry,” he says as well, and he feels the tears at his eyes again.

She reaches across the table for him, and touches his face. “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

-

Iwaizumi isn't waiting for him at his garden gate again the next day.

Nor is he the next.

Oikawa feels cold in his absence.

-

Oikawa thinks over their time together in the woods when he is laying in bed at night and should be asleep.

He thinks over the way he treated him like a mistake, like a terrible secret he never wanted to get out. Like he didn't matter beyond a pair of warm lips. 

He remembers his lie, “I didn't like it.” And brings his hands up to cover his face.

And _fuck_ he knows what he has to do. What he should have known sooner.

He has to apologise.

-

Oikawa catches up to Iwaizumi on the walk home, and tugs at his wrist.

“I need to tell you something,” Oikawa pants, breathless from running. He pulls himself straight, squaring his shoulders and takes a deep breath-

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi interrupts, and his voice cracks on his name. “Please don’t, I can’t do this anymore.” He doesn’t even look at him as he steps away, and Oikawa’s fingers fall away from his wrist.

He watches Iwaizumi leaving, and he feels it all slipping away. And he doesn’t want that. He _can’t_ have that.

“Hajime!” he yells, and Iwaizumi comes to a sudden halt and stares at him. Oikawa clenches his fists, puffs up his chest and looks straight into his eyes. “I lied.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t say anything, but his eyes soften and he reaches out to him but Oikawa holds up a hand.

“I lied,” he says again, “And I hurt you because I was scared. I want you to know that I liked it.” He sucks in a breath, “I loved it. I loved all of it, being with you and I’m so sorry for what I said.”

Iwaizumi grabs him now, and tucks his face into his neck. “Thank you.”

Oikawa closes his eyes, presses a kiss to his cheek and holds him back.

-

They walk past the woods, and Oikawa takes Iwaizumi’s hand in his own as they walk down the street; the street light brightening their way.

He holds onto it tightly, and Iwaizumi never let’s go.

-

They stand at his garden gate, and Oikawa sees that the light is on in the upstairs window.

He toys with the end of his shirt, licks his lips and begins in a murmur. “I haven’t figured everything out yet,” he says, even though he mostly has but he’s just not ready to admit it all out loud yet and make it real, and what he wants to say now is so much _easier_. “But I do know one thing.”

He looks up now, meets Iwaizumi’s eyes and the words come out as easy as breathing. “I’m in love with you, and I want to be with you.”

Iwaizumi smiles, wide and _beautiful_ , and reaches out to put his hands on his cheeks. “I’m in love with you too,” he says, his thumb rubs underneath Oikawa’s eyes. “God I’ve wanted to tell you that for so long.”

Oikawa smiles back, and touches the hand on his cheek. “You can tell me whenever you want now, and I’ll tell you all the time. I love you so much, Hajime.”

“I love you, too,” Iwaizumi says, and his eyes are crinkling up so prettily with his smile.

And when their lips meet again, and Iwaizumi's fingers tangle in his hair, Oikawa wonders if this is what flying feels like (and why it feels so very much like falling).

**Author's Note:**

> (in love)
> 
> thank you! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you did comments and kudos are always appreciated :) 
> 
> you can also find me at sakuragimichi.tumblr.com although i don't really use it anymore.
> 
> have a lovely day!


End file.
